Updated thoughts on Love...? Ahhhh...where to start? I guess by giving you an idea where I now stand and try to explain how I got here. Do keep in mind we are discussing that mercurial and slippery of feelings; things don't make 'sense' to me, in any sense other than sense... hehehe. True though. I will do my best to unwind things intellectually, but ultimately this is can only be about how I 'feel'. I'm not good at being succinct - as long as I keep it interesting, I generally don't have to be. *wink* Here I go trying...
So, primarily, many of my initial thoughts haven't changed all that much; the language and definitions we give Love are still problematic; monogamy is not a must; finding a lifelong 'soulmate' or 'The One' is an exception, not a rule. I still stand by all these claims. I still think choosing NOT to be in a relationship is entirely valid. I still think Love is just as potentially destructive as it is positive. But as much as I want to put a lot of belief (and blame) in pheromones, they certainly have proven themselves redundant in explaining my current 'love' situation.
I am deeply, passionately, throat-achingly in love with a person who loves me in a very similar way; our definitions of 'Love' align to a degree I've never known. Part of our initial bond was based around the 'Meh To Love' pieces; it was one of the many wonderful things we connected on in unexpected and unprecedented ways. We were both happy being single - the freedom, the selfish luxuries and lack of compromise... the ENJOYMENT of being alone, having space and time for your own thoughts etc. Added to the selfish side was the fact we both thought we were better people un-partnered; we find ourselves difficult sometimes and assume others find us just as much so. As intelligent, grown-up(ish), educated, curious and capable people, analytical and aware of both ourselves and the fact we were increasingly attracted to each other, what were we to do when we found ourselves falling into the very mess of language and feeling and 'wtf?' that inspired so many of our early conversations...?
'Run?' I hear you say. I did consider running - I think we both did. I was very conscious of the looming Point of No Return. And I know I could have disconnected - I've done it before, several times. Bail before anyone cries, especially when tears look particularly inevitable... And I know it would've been understood if I'd chosen a path on my own. We talked about what we were doing, together we looked at the pro's and con's.
Well, as my beautiful and clever lover told me, 'We fall, and just won't land'. Whether I argued this out loud or in my head, I can't recall. What goes up must come down, right? Right. But if that thing reaches unknown heights and ends up in weightlessness, it won't come down. This love is unique as an expansive experience; the more it grows, the more it grows... The more I learn, the more there is to love; the more I love, the more there is to learn. We're an ouroboros of love, devouring and nourishing, ever-expanding, always creating... insatiably feeding on Us. This is quite possibly a love that will only start dying when we're not alive to tend it. That's a revelation to me.
I could quite honestly type for hours of the why's and wherefore's of my love, but 'succinct' and all... The main thing I want to explain is how my intellect can cope.It's important for me to understand the how's and why's of my own behaviour, and I would have constantly questioned my choices had I not come to terms with them early. With all that I know of love and life and relationships, even keeping in mind when actively 'in love' the body produces some whacky chemicals to keep our sense of perspective slightly skewed, how have I convinced myself this is right? I chose to be where I am. I accepted the invitation into the heart of another. Much of my coming to terms with all this is due to the fact that I feel I'm making the only rational decision I can in this context.
The One I Love... imperfections that are perfect for me; a compliment and a complement to me. If we'd not bonded so hard, fast and strong... so natural, intense and harmonious, I'd not be in this situation. This wasn't something that could be argued with or rationalised away; it had nothing to do with analysis or facts. When something so wonderful presents itself to you, how do you say 'no' to that? It seems disrespectful to the wider energy of 'Love'... So out of courtesy and gratitude and desire and attraction and because there was no other SENSIBLE choice to make, I dropped all the barricades I knew to be up, and let my lover have run of my heart. For the first time ever, the person I wanted with all my heart, wanted me with all of theirs. It would seem irrational not to take a chance, even knowing what I do about the limitations of typical 'love'.
'I just DO love you,' my lover said, stating it as the simple fact that it is. And suspicious semantics and limited language aside, I DO just reciprocate that love. Once I permitted myself to experience it, the difficulties ceased. But had I not connected with a person that not only allowed me to express my reservations, but encouraged me to share them, I'd have never got to the point of simple acceptance and reciprocity. I am loved in the same way I love, and the love I give and receive refuses to be denied or intellectualised. It just is. It's something we just DO.
K.I.S.S.: Keep It Simple, Stupid.
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